Thursday, March 31, 2011

Some thoughts, after attending a lecture by Dr. bell hooks.

I am not a spontaneous combustion, no great creator. I am a feverish collector of the beautiful, the dark, wabi sabi, the beleaguered, of sounds and misspellings, and from that mixed bag of sensation, a constant vibration which I keep myself open to (it is boorish but also kind), I ejaculate pictures and thoughts and sometimes songs, which are never more than words on a ransom note, oily and strong-smelling, a particle made from a wave.

My songs, poems, essays, these are not creations, not my children, I will not make that metaphorical association like so many male thinkers have, and so casually, they take what is not theirs, that act of creation, as does the Judeo-Christian God, of whose womb the Bible speaks literally. That hermaphroditic God is a cruel and stupid Father/Mother, to normalize a gender split so foreign to his own image. His/Her creation marks Him/Her anomalous, His/Her creation which fears anomaly.
[this isn't the painting I was looking for, but it'll do. I always liked wizard-Jesus.]

For I know nothing of creation, I have not once sung beauty or hideousness that was my own, in any way that can be likened to the literal construction of a human body which a woman molds with inherited tools and prescient chemical instinct, deeply and genetically is this act taught by the womanhood of all her ancestors, taught by the unspoken cycles of seeds, and blossoms, and understood by the cold and plastic cultural acts with which she is sexualized.
[see what I did there?]

Though I am feminine, for a male, and though I write, or draw, or sing, my creativity is only mimicry and when I combust, it is through a chaotic and wild transformation of the present materials, fuel, and friction. The product is not new life; it is a taxidermied cross-species. It is mysterious to me, but my exploration of that mystery will not be so selfish as to confuse an act of secretion for a child.
[This is the physical manifestation of my songwriting process.]

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